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Thursday, April 02, 2009

vegans gone wild!

while leafing through a copy of the april fool's day edition of the santa monica daily press -- aka the "santa monica daily jest" -- i found this article, complete with photos of zombies going wild at the local farmers' market. the writer obviously didn't read my post the other day about why people go vegan in the first place... ahimsa, baby!

yes, i know, if we can't laugh at ourselves...

(by the way, for those unfamiliar with the westside yoga scene, i've added links to some of the places mentioned in the article)

Vegans terrorize Farmers’ Market
Daily Jest Staff Writer

MAIN STREET - A scene of unparalleled carnage erupted on Tuesday at the Santa Monica Farmers’ Market.

At around 11 a.m. a mob of angry vegans stormed into the market and started munching on the vendors.

The mob started simultaneous at Real Foods Daily and Urth Cafe, where many vegans frequent.

“They heard that vendors at the farmers’ market were sprinkling animal fat on the vegetables to make them taste better,” Jerry Orange, manager of Urth Cafe said. “It was crazier than when Ronald McDonald made a surprise visit at the national PETA convention.”

At 10:30 a.m. the mob from Urth Cafe started marching north on Main street wielding yoga mats spiked with reinforced and sharpened incense sticks. While marching, they munched on coconut husks and made inaudible noises.

“It was like they became those zombies from ‘Night of the Living Dead,’” Sunny Shralphaus, a surfer on his way to Bay Street, said. “Scarier than wiping out at the pipe, bro.”

Unfortunately, as the mob of unruly vegans passed Yoga Works, a class was getting out. For many of the members, the postyoga mellow was crushed when someone yelled “Meat in the Potatoes!” The mob garnered more members, most adorned with Lululemon workout pants and Native American tats.

By the time the mob reached City Hall, its 20 participants started running on all fours and chanting what sounded like Hari Krishna prayers.

“These new wave vegans think they know about spirituality and enlightenment,” Moonbeam Illuminance, a Hari Krishna practitioner, said. “But deep down, they are all blood thirsty savages controlled by the dark lords of the Santa Monica City Council.”

As the mob bounded across Broadway at Fourth Street, the mob from Real Foods Daily descended upon the Farmers’ Market from the east.

Trent Gelbert, a local hipster in the band “The Humours,” was simply impressing a date with his knowledge of vegan cuisine.

“All of the sudden some crazy people broke into the pastry case and started smearing soybean chocolate all over their face like war paint. Too bad there wasn’t any fat to make the chocolate stick to their faces,” Gelbert said. “If I actually cared about something, I’d join them.”

At exactly 11 a.m., both mobs descended upon the farmers’ market in a vortex of pent up rage fueled by the passion of being ignored, anemic blood and a haze of low blood sugar.

The mob destroyed everything in its path. Metal tents that house each vendor were bent with the sheer force of jaws strengthened by overcooked tofu and Satan.
(note from me: while i'm not crazy about it, i've never thought of seitan as being particularly evil...)

In less than 30 minutes every vendor was slaughtered in the frenzy.

“I served four tours in ‘Nam and ain’t never seen nothing like this,” Billy Dan, a homeless war veteran, said. “It was like the invasion of Saigon, dipped in napalm with a twist of Maylar massacre.”

Body parts were scattered across the pavement as groups of Japanese tourists stood around dumbfounded.

The cannibals immediately disbursed into Yoga studios, Kirtan chanting classes, and vegan restaurants.

“As of now no charges are being pressed on any of the mob,” Johnny Doughnut, the Santa Monica Police chief, said. “They came, they cannibalized, they conquered, they left without a trace.”

Meanwhile, a group of Weight Watchers were seen eating bloody body parts in the median near the overrated Fourth Street stairs.